Sunday, July 20, 2008


I'm incredibly hurt. But what else is new. Again and again, I elect to trust you and try to be your friend, but every time I open my life to you, you hurt me. So I'm done with it. I'm done with trying to make plans with you, only to have you fling them aside at the drop of a hat. I'm tired of trying to be nice to your friends who clearly don't like me at all, but don't have the balls to say it to my fucking face. I'm tired of the blow out fights we have because you don't see what you do as hurtful, and when I do tell you that it hurts me, you try to tell me that it shouldn't, and that I'm being irrational (because really, when someone hurts you, they are the ones who can tell you what hurts you and what doesn't, right?). And the only reason I'm writing this very passive aggressive blog entry, is because I am trying to avoid one of said blow out fights, because I honestly think that having one right now would land me in the hospital. The best part about this is that you probably wont even read this. Or you will and you'll ignore it. Or you will, and you'll come to me and ask me why I made all of this public (because I'm clearly not allowed to talk about how I feel) and chastise me yet again and make me feel like garbage for actually caring about our friendship. And even better than that, is that this is completely my own fault, because I keep letting you in, again and again and again. I keep doing this to myself, because I AM the only one that cares about this friendship. So thats it. I'm really tired of being dragged through this when you clearly don't want to be involved. And this time I'm not going to wait around for you to come to the realization that you've lost a really good friend, so when you do come to apologize, don't be surprised when I say, thats not enough anymore.

I'm sorry to anyone that isn't who this is about had to read it, but it gives a very good insight to what my life feels like right now, and why I'm so stressed and unable to maintain a friendship with anyone else, because I have been putting most of my effort into trying to save this one, only to have it backfire on me every time. But that's going to change starting now. I'm not going to let this dictate how I live or how I feel anymore. I'm finished. From now on I only want my friends to be positive people who help me when I need help and I help them when they need help. People who lift each other up instead of holding each other down. And people who can see when their actions hurt someone, and own up to it and fix the problem without having to be told. I have good friends like this that I have been neglecting because I wanted so badly for this friendship to work. And to those friends, I apologize.
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